Thursday, November 15, 2012

How did I get here?

I started out this life underweight and up until college pretty much stayed there.  When I was born, I weighed 1 pound and 7 ounces.  I remember vividly going shopping with my mom when I was in 8th grade and I found a pair of pants that I just loved.  They were a size 0.  It's crazy now to think that I was ever that size.  I think in High School I managed to get to a 3/4.  I was heavily into sports and I was fit and had a little muscle definition going on.  Now once I went away to college that's when things started changing for me.  I discovered freedom and along with it alcohol (back then the drinking age here in Louisiana was 18).  Plus at college you have a meal plan so I just went wild.  So needless to say I found out why they call it the "Freshman 15" 

Ironically the best thing that could have happened was me getting pregnant.  I was not heading down a good path.  I was flunking out of college anyway, I had no drive or ambition and I wasn't even really with Devyn's dad at the time.  Of course, once I did find out that I was pregnant we both tried to make things work.  We ended up marrying but spent most of that time apart (he joined the Navy).  By the time we got out and tried to be our own little family unit, it was apparent that there was no way that our relationship was going to work.  We were both miserable.  I'm pretty sure at this point I weighed around 160-170. 

Divorce actually worked wonders for me.  I had dropped around 20 pounds and felt better than I had in a while.  I think I actually even saw a size 12 at one point.  Then I ended up meeting my now husband.  Now, granted he is and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.  But along with that happiness came contentment.  And along with that, the pounds started packing on.  We are both homebodies by nature so we do play alot of games (playstation 3 and we did play World of Warcraft), watched movies and just a whole lot of sitting around and enjoying life.

I've had a lot of "aha" moments and lots of attempts at starting and stopping the diet wagon.  I had actually found a system that worked last year.   I had dropped 25 pounds and was well on my way to being happy.  The magic formula was.... diet and exercise.  What worked for me was hitting my food calorie range of 1200-1400 per day and just getting out and moving around.  I had also started the Couch to 5 K program and gotten all the way to week 7.  I was proud at how far I had come in just 2 months and I knew that I was heading down the right path for once. 

Week 7 of the C25K is to run for 25 minutes at one time.   I was on top of the moon that I had accomplished that! This was Thanksgiving morning of last year (2011). 

Why I stopped, to this day I have no idea.  I had not run since then.  I stopped going to the gym.  I know I had stress going on but really that is not an excuse.  Devyn was in her senior year of high school and we had deadline upon deadline that we had to meet.  None of that was not affecting me squeezing in some me time.  I just fell back into bad habits and stopped caring.

My latest aha moment happened just last week.  At my ob/gyn appointment my doctor mentioned that I should look into bariatric surgery.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I gained as much composure as I could muster and walked out of the doctors office.  Once I hit my car, the floodgates opened.  Something has to give here.  I have got to get healthy and not for anyone else but for me.   In addition, surgery is not a viable option for me.  I have a blood-clotting disorder called Anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome.  So any kind of surgery is a big deal.  As it stands now I am constantly having to watch what I eat since I have to have my blood levels checked so often. 

So here I am.  This is just me trying to be honest with myself.  It is time to change my life and make the most of it instead of watching it pass me by.  I'm tired of making an excuse not to join my friends because of the fact that I'm embarrassed to be around anyone because of my size.  I'm tired of being depressed all the time because I know that if I could just be thinner I'd be happier.  It's time to stop making excuses and lying to myself about how bad it is.

2 comments:

  1. I can so relate to the marriage contentment. I loved cooking food my husband loved, but they were meals that should have been more treats than everyday meals. We are both homebodies (him more than me). When we got together he even had me playing WoW - I terrible at video games. We haven't played WoW for while and I do miss my Blood Elf Hunter (and her cool pets) sometimes :)

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  2. This is so awesome to read. You are such an inspiration!! I am so glad I found your blog and can't wait to get caught up on your journey!

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