Friday, February 27, 2015
Amazing how one picture can send you into a shame spiral.
I look at this picture and see failure. I don't see strength or determination. I see flat out shame. I see the old "me". I see someone who is not happy with where she is. I also see the effects of slipping back into bad habits. I see all the things I'm doing wrong, not counting calories correctly, not measuring food, not enough cardio, not enough strength training.
I play tennis 3-4 times a week but when my eating habits are still shit, it means nothing.
I can tell that my game is not where it was before I packed 16 pounds back on since November.
I had a complete and utter meltdown last night when I got home. I went to tennis last night feeling a bit fragile and then... no one showed up. Not one single person. (We had rescheduled team practice to Thursday from Wednesday because of rain/cold). Ronnie had the article laid out on the counter so everyone checking in could see it. I got a few really nice compliments and I really am appreciative so I thanked everyone - I got a few kind words at work too) Since no one showed, I served a bit and hit against the wall for a good 30 minutes or so and then I had enough. Driving home, the floodgates opened. I got home and Chris immediately knew. He sat down with me and had a heart to heart. He thinks that maybe I should see a nutritionist. I explained that they aren't going to tell me anything that I really don't already know, but that we just have to overhaul everything. So we came to a compromise. I'm going to give it 2-3 weeks and see if I can get back to portion control, measuring food, eating better, more cardio/strength, then I'm going to look into possibly getting a personal trainer/nutritionist involved. I'm also going to have to start premaking my dinners too in addition to the lunches that I already make because that's where I fail many times in the evening and resort to the quickest meal possible which usually is a frozen skillet dinner (and probably loaded with sodium).
While I am extremely proud of the article (and I really am!), it literally slapped me back into reality. I am the biggest person on the courts. I want to improve and keep challenging myself to be a better player. I also need to get back into getting into a healthy mindset. I'm not where I want to be by any means.
I may not be this person anymore:
But I'm not this one either (on the right):
I'm just me, trying to figure this all out: