Friday, February 27, 2015

One picture

So I didn't talk much about the article yesterday when I posted about it and there is a reason for that.

Amazing how one picture can send you into a shame spiral. 

I look at this picture and see failure.  I don't see strength or determination.  I see flat out shame.  I see the old "me".  I see someone who is not happy with where she is.   I also see the effects of slipping back into bad habits.  I see all the things I'm doing wrong, not counting calories correctly, not measuring food, not enough cardio, not enough strength training. 

I play tennis 3-4 times a week but when my eating habits are still shit, it means nothing.

I can tell that my game is not where it was before I packed 16 pounds back on since November.

I had a complete and utter meltdown last night when I got home.  I went to tennis last night feeling a bit fragile and then... no one showed up.  Not one single person.  (We had rescheduled team practice to Thursday from Wednesday because of rain/cold).  Ronnie had the article laid out on the counter so everyone checking in could see it.  I got a few really nice compliments and I really am appreciative so I thanked everyone - I got a few kind words at work too)  Since no one showed, I served a bit and hit against the wall for a good 30 minutes or so and then I had enough.  Driving home, the floodgates opened.  I got home and Chris immediately knew.   He sat down with me and had a heart to heart.  He thinks that maybe I should see a nutritionist.  I explained that they aren't going to tell me anything that I really don't already know, but that we just have to overhaul everything.   So we came to a compromise.  I'm going to give it 2-3 weeks and see if I can get back to portion control, measuring food, eating better, more cardio/strength, then I'm going to look into possibly getting a personal trainer/nutritionist involved.   I'm also going to have to start premaking my dinners too in addition to the lunches that I already make because that's where I fail many times in the evening and resort to the quickest meal possible which usually is a frozen skillet dinner (and probably loaded with sodium).

While I am extremely proud of the article (and I really am!), it literally slapped me back into reality.  I am the biggest person on the courts.  I want to improve and keep challenging myself to be a better player.  I also need to get back into getting into a healthy mindset.  I'm not where I want to be by any means.

I may not be this person anymore:


But I'm not this one either (on the right):


I'm just me, trying to figure this all out:


33 comments:

  1. Oh honey, this made me cry! You are such a wonderful woman, I hate that you feel this way! We all hit slumps, I know you'll bounce back! Let me know if I can do anything!!

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  2. I hate that you feel this way, but I absolutely love this post. I appreciate the raw honesty and am so proud of you putting your struggle out there. I am convinced it is going to help you get back to where you want to be and help so many of us reading. The struggle is real for so many. You are an amazing woman who has taken a slight detour on her path, but has not lost her way :)

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  3. Awww. :( I totally understand your feelings about the picture triggering things. I don't think seeing a nutritionist is the worst idea, so I would keep that in your back pocket. You are burned a bazillion calories with this tennis thing, so maybe it's as simple as you have such a deficit that it makes you ravenous? It may be as simple as eating different things at different times. Just know I am very in awe of being able to play tennis, and I am very proud of you for constantly getting out there and being brave enough to play! I'm glad Chris is so supportive too. :)

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    1. Jesus with my grammar. You are BURNING not You are BURNED.

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  4. You can do it, Des!! I really struggle with nutrition too, but I've been doing really well the last month...during the week at least :) If you need any meal ideas/recipes, let me know, and I'll share with you what I've been eating lately.

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    1. Thank you Ashley! Yea, thing is I know what I need to do. I just need to do it. Simple as that.

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  5. Oh honey, super big props to you for sharing your true feelings. I am sorry you see that picture and see failure. You know what you need to do to get yourself back on track. I know you can do it. And if you see a nutritionist that isn't a failure either! It's a tool!

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    1. Thanks Meg. :) Yep, either way I may look into that route. It definitely can't hurt!

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  6. Girl----we can do this!! We know all the right things--we just have to do them!! It's a daily struggle, but I'm proud of you for making a plan to do what makes you happy!!!!

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  7. I am in the same place...it's not easy at all. But we have the power to do it again! Hugs.

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  8. It's funny how a photo can do that. I found myself nodding along to everything that you said in the entry. I keep going back to weight loss not being a journey, but friggin' warfare. It is HARD WORK. I know you'll find yourself back to where you want to be, I have 100% faith. Know you are not alone. XOXOX

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  9. {{hugs}} I know it's hard to see yourself when you aren't where you want to be, but the girl in that article is pretty awesome!!

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  10. This post made me cry. Not for you, because it truly is a great article and message, but it is raw about the impact of a photo. I loathe having my picture taken to this day. I struggle hard with any picture I share, and it is because I am barely strong enough to not see the failure in them. I had a meetup and have not shared that pic because it is horrendous. Not weight, just that the April in pictures is not the April my mind sees. That and my birthday this week? Ugh facing your demons in the form of your own picture...

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  11. This is a great post. And, this is why I so often don't like photos. Just the wrong angle and then I hate it. But, you know, even from the very last picture you have in the post, it is so clear the progress you've made. And, when things aren't going well some of actually gain back everything and more and you haven't done that.

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  12. Pictures can be such dangerous territory. I'm so glad Chris was there for you and that you guys made a plan together. With your anti-coagulant issues, a nutritionist might be a good idea if things aren't going better in a few weeks to help you come up with a food plan that works. You're right - no matter how much exercise we do, we still end up gaining if we aren't eating right. I'm struggling with that myself (and had my own shame picture with one of our cruise pics - not only did I look thinner 10 pounds ago, I looked happier!). Hugs to you! We're here for you!

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  13. Ahhhhhhhh I hate photos sometime. But you know what? I see something different in that photo than you might. When I looked at it, the first thing I thought was "WOW look at her serve form! She looks confident on the court!" But when we are looking at ourselves in the picture, we don't often see what others see. You know exactly what you need to do to get back on track--you've done it before, and you will absolutely do it again. And, if you need help, you know you have the personal trainer/nutritionist option to fall back on. I know you can do this, Des! :) And as you know, I loved the article!

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  14. I'm so sorry... there is nothing quite like seeing a picture to snap us back into reality. And as much as it hurts and as much as it sucks, it sounds like it's bringing you back to where you need to be. Not an easy road for any of us, that's for sure! So sorry you hit this rough patch but I know you're going to use it to get better! xo

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  15. Oh hun, I hate that slap-in-the-face feeling. I've definitely slipped from where I was last fall too. If you don't want to see a nutritionist but you don't feel like you can do it alone maybe you could find a coach?

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    1. Yep that will happen for sure if I can't get past this hurdle!

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  16. Girl, all I can say is that you're not alone. I feel like we're on the same journey. I'm so disappointed in myself that I've gained back SOME of the weight I lost, but I'm still proud that I'm so far from where I started. I know we BOTH can overcome this struggle but I also know that there is nothing for either of us to be ashamed of. Big hugs and here's to starting again every time we get down and never ever ever giving up!

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  17. Hugs to you, honey. Weight loss is hard and beating the mental demons is the worst part. Plus, there is a huge difference between knowing how to do things and knowing when you need help. I know how to make a training plan for a race, but I still have a coach. Having that resource and that extra layer of accountability is HUGE for me. Just a thought :)

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